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01 April 2010 @ 02:52 am
 
Things have been hard lately, they really have. But in subtle ways. I'll backtrack a bit. Growing up, I was the oldest sibling. I had two younger sisters. We were The Three. We loved, we fought, we laughed, we cried. We stuck together, we teased each other, we had good times and bad. But in the end, folks always made up. There was me, the quiet, calm, reserved shoulder to lean upon. There was the youngest, the stubborn, fiery, loving gal, and then the middle one, the creative, stubborn, selfish but wise one.

You think to yourself, wow. We're like the Three Amigos. It's always going to be that way! Even if some of us move away... we will still have each other no matter what.

But reality eventually comes crashing in in terrible ways. Two years ago, our middle sister found her online boyfriend. I was happy for her, you know? From time to time they visited, they spoke often, played WoW together. Us sisters still went out when we could, we talked, we visited with one anotehr and protected our backs at work. We even worked at the same place.

One day, middle sibling decides that she wants to visit her boyfriend on the other coast. Of course, we're supportive. She packs, he acts stand-offish and cold but I did not think anything of it at the time. I did not think anything of it the two were in a rush. They would not even wait the hour to have lunch with everyone before leaving either. They just left.

Come to find out, she left with every intention of never coming back. Things started showing up online. She was saying nasty hurtful things about my mom. Saying mom abused her, mistreated her. None of this is true, I was beside her the whole 25 years of her life. Sure, she and mom had arguments, but who doesn't with their mom? I knew she was stirring up drama. Every family has a drama queen right?

But, that does not give her the right to call our mom a bad mother. The one who raised her, who stood up for her, who is still paying off a college loan for a degree she never finished. She has the audacity to spread everywhere she goes that mom is being wicked, mean, vile. She left her things, we know on purpose, and accuses mom of being a thief?

She wrote to our grandmother, mom's MOM, such nasty and vile things that grandmother cried and deleted the note. She swore to grandma, the sweetest old lady one ever did meet. Every post she makes, you swear. She called our own mom a BITCH. She always say such hateful, unsure things because she has people there going aaaw, poor baby. She adopted his mom as your own.

She even gave up your name, leaving behind the name she used all your life for another. She wants that bad to be rid of us. But every now and then she writes, asking about her stuff. Conversation starts normal, but always ends like that. Always. I don;t want to burn the bridges, I want to reconcile. But every time she hears the truth, every time we tell her what she does not want to hear, she rants, swears, raves, or logs off in an immature two year old huff.

I find myself so pissed at her.

I find myself confused.

It is a horrible realization. After spending twenty five years with someone, from changing their diapers, to playing dolls with them, to watching saturday morning cartoons... you think you know a person.

...But you really don't know them at all.

And frankly, in the end... you're not sure you want to know them either.
 
 
 
bassetmom3bassetmom3 on April 3rd, 2010 01:49 pm (UTC)
It seems i am the blame for all the bad self esteem. How many times did I try to get you to wash your hair, wash your clothes,quit hiding food in your room. Or how many times I stood up for you. Or tried to help with advice? How many times I let your room get unlivable so as not to hurt your feelings. It is sad you feel you hafta lie so much. My lj has always been public. I have nothing to hide.I really thought this was stuff you wanted.the stuffed animals like toby, your movies,art ,books and the pillow was so it wouldnt shake. I paid extra to have the unopened paints sent. I have tried to be supportive. Do you think I wanted a child I knew in a club where you dress like animals and try to have sex. Wasnt in my mind at all. But I took u to and from the train station. The only bad thing I asked about M, was why you arent good enough to marry. seems that would be a shot to the self esteem. but it must be because of me. Ive told your on face book who feel we need to know all your rants not to tell any of us anymore. You thought they were all for you? I am tired of all this. you are not my child anymore. Please change your name .this will be it . No more contact about anyone anywhere,anymore. I am only the legal mom now . I will notify my mom and dad 2 day. Dad doesnt know any of this yet. I will just give him copies of our notes to each other. I hope you do grow up someday, but will be without us.
draco18s: Flying by LODdraco18s on April 4th, 2010 03:46 am (UTC)
> dress like animals and have sex

You know (or rather, you don't which is the point)...that contingent is exceedingly in the minority. It's a fringe group of a fringe group.

Unfortunately they happen to attract the attention of the media because they're about 10 times more interesting than people who draw cartoon rabbits for a living or write childrens' books.
draco18s: Flying by LODdraco18s on April 4th, 2010 03:39 am (UTC)
You know. There is this concept of "slanted news," where a story told by one person is biased against the other side.

Your sister may have flown across the country to be with her Boy, and she may have left some things behind on purpose, but what right does your mother have to keep those things from her when she asks for them?

I have seen this story from the other side--exclusively--and its no where near as nasty as you're portraying it here. I can't speak for how you girls grew up, of course, but from what I've seen the tension between your sister and your mother has been about current events, not past.

FYI: I purchased an oil commission from her...over a year ago (November 2008). Since then she has had to purchase oil paints no less than twice (as your mother threw them out), a second canvas, and was not allowed to work on it seemingly at all, due to having to do it outside during a time when she was not grounded or watching the dogs. Not so hot to only be paid $20 for all that, eh?

Remember: one side of a story only tells half the truth.
Leona: James oshit im in troubledragoon_sten on April 4th, 2010 05:54 am (UTC)
Well here's the thing. Recently she did sent a lot of stuff on a box, things it was thought she wanted/needed straight from her room. Sin just said the things were trash, no thanks, no gee, thanks for trying here's what I really need folks. Just taunts really. Yes, there was a pillow to keep things stable in there. Yes, there were old arts in there she had drawn, not porn.

Also, it was illegal to send any sort of opened paints. A lot of the things she had cannot be sent legal in the US mail.

The other issue is just how much stuff actually was there. I do not know the full extent and agree that a great deal of it honestly, I just remember going through books. A lot of books. Id be willing to send a giftcard myself for the books. I was told which ones were wanted to be kept, but again, I likely missed a few.

As for paintings... as mentioned opened oil paints cannot be sent. I agree when it comes to oil paintings she seemed to underprice herself. We all take turns watching the critters, but finding time to work was a point the two always disagreed on. I guess too because there is an asthmatic in the house and folks with allergies. I do not really know.

As for slanted, sadly, sib does not tell the whole story. I try to see both sides and it frustrates me when she makes my mom cry, or upsets my grandma so much that grandma calls us up directly to see if its all true. It frustrates me that anytime one tries to IM her or call her on such matters, it ends in the same way.

Im nowhere near perfect either, I'll admit it. Looking back, I could have been more supportive as well and tries to step in a few more times. I could have taken her out a bit more as well. I look back and pick up on the small things I could have done. But, this is the past. Right now, I just want to fix the present and the future. But in reality, its sorely looking like there's no way to do so. I think that hurts more than anything.

That... folks here are willing to try. And she just doesn't seem to want to see that. Well, a few of us. Uhm... still some things I am trying to talk over with my mom. One must understand she got hurt the most out of all of us from this mess. Blindsided is not a pretty thing, and we're trying to help her through things as well.
draco18sdraco18s on April 4th, 2010 03:06 pm (UTC)
I never said her side was complete either, just it was the only view I'd seen. I'd been seeing a lot of frustration between her and her mother only recently (e.g. a couple years, can't say when, but definitely after she met her boy) so I don't think its a "she was cruel my whole life" deal (I live with my own drama queen sister: they like to exaggerate a little when yelling at someone, but not when calm).

As for the box of stuff I only have a limited inventory of what was in it from her: paints, some art, and some fake boobs. She didn't list what was trash, just that it was stuff she didn't ask for.

In any case, continued fighting is only going to drive you apart farther.
bassetmom3bassetmom3 on April 4th, 2010 02:59 pm (UTC)
michelle used to very sweet. But now she is gone. I appreciate someone at least seeing another possible side. I tried ,I failed. I will not try and contact. and my kids will not tell me what is being written anymore. again thanks.
draco18s: Banraidraco18s on April 4th, 2010 03:09 pm (UTC)
There's a point in life where you can't deal with your kids as your kids any more, but as rational adults who are on the same level you are.

Try, "I'm sorry, is there anything I can do to help fix this?"
bassetmom3bassetmom3 on April 6th, 2010 03:25 pm (UTC)
thaNKS FOR THE ADVICE.I WILL LET STUFF LAY. I am curious. she got a black pelt in the mail. Is this a furrie thing? something that is important to them?
draco18sdraco18s on April 6th, 2010 04:45 pm (UTC)
No idea. Pelts (I would wager that it is fake fur--furries, in general, are against using real fur) can be used for a number of things.

You'd have to ask her.