I guess some personal ramblings are in order, since I have not done so in a time.
You know, it's funny how one small incident, or perhaps a large one really, can turn ones world upside down. Or rather, tehir perception of it. It's been over a year now since I had my car accident really. One wonders, do you ever really get over such things. Do you ever stop thinking twice about THAT intersection, ever stop getting that sinking feeling if a car tried to cut in front of you? I don't even remember about half of the incident at all.
But what really stands out for me is that, other than folks online, I had nobody but my family. My family means the world to me, they are Kin. Unbreakable bonds. But even with them, sometimes I feel lonely. Really... really lonely.
I try to talk with folks my own age at work you know? But the truth is, I cannot relate to any of them completely. People my age around here they either, smoke, they drink, they party, or they are highly religious. I refuse to go to church just for the 'social connections.' I try to start a conversation but it always falls flat because I really cannot relate. I've never been drunk in my life, never even smoked a cig. Have no desire to either.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that it's like my sib says... somehow, I'm different from everyone else. I don't think about sex or even getting kissed really. One minute I can be like a big kid, the next a quiet, listening adult. I'm considered the most mature, and yet can be the most immature. I value my muses, I value those I meet drawing.
But there are times when I really wish I wasn't me either. I look up to the big tough talking muses, the one's not afraid to speak their mind or throw a punch. I kinda wish I was like that. I know being honest is a good thing, being truthful, being loyal, giving a listening ear, thinking things through, giving money to other... I know these are good things. But sometimes, I really wish I wasn't me. Sometimes, I really hate those traits. I want to be the badass.
But I digress.
I guess I feel like apart from those online, and my family, nobody knows he real me fully. Nobody knows just how much I love animals, or drawing, or roleplaying, or how I see the world. Nobody knows how I think, my sense of humor, or the fact that sometimes okay doesn't mean okay. I guess that's where the lonely aspect starts coming in from.
I really do not know how to remedy this.
I guess its partially because I don't know myself fully either. I still have no real chosen path of faith, although I consider myself spiritual. I kind of crave a method of expression, to spirits or powers that be, although I have no idea where to start. I need to meditate again, but I'm always afraid of what I will find.
I look and say damn girl, you're 27 and you still have no idea? Nobodys gonna tell you.
But... yes. These are a few of the things weighing me down lately, I guess its better to vent no?